5 Reasons We Should Abolish Christmas

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Remember, if Christmas trees could, they’d kill you and humiliate your corpse.


Christmas needs to go.

It’s the most stressful, most expensive, least enjoyable holiday and it should be abolished.

Here’s why:

1. Christmas has an identity crisis

It’s a christian holiday celebrated on the day of a Roman winter solstice festival. Most of the symbols associated with it are from pagan pre-christian Europe. The central figure of Christmas is a catholic saint reimagined as a Yankee trader then as an advertising mascot, and most of his signifiers are taken from the Viking god Odin.

2. We don’t know what Christmas is for

Independence day is for getting drunk and watching fireworks. St. Patrick’s Day if for getting drunk and watching a parade. Thanksgiving is for eating too much, getting drunk and arguing with our relatives about politics. New Year’s Eve is for getting drunk enough to stop regretting your life choices for an evening.

But Christmas? We run around in a flurry of stress trying to find the perfect gifts for people we mostly don’t care about that will be thrown out or re-gifted. And this is how we celebrate the birth of a religious figure?

3. Christmas is at the worst time of the year

So we have a holiday that falls during the worst weather of the year. Instead of cocooning at home with some good books like sensible people we rush around buying stuff no one needs. Then we travel during the worst weather of the year to spend time with the same a-holes we got sick of at Thanksgiving just a month earlier. Then we have a whole other holiday to celebrate just a week after that.

4. Christmas traditions are stupid

We just got finished with the turkey leftovers from Thanksgiving. What’s for dinner on Christmas? Oh. Another goddamn turkey. Great.

I just got a holiday bonus! Holla! But I have to spend it on a bunch of crap to give to my relatives who started an uncomfortable political argument at Thanksgiving dinner last month. Awesome.

It’s the darkest coldest time of year. I really want to go home and binge watch Netflix. But instead I’m going to the office holiday party because the one thing I want to do is spend even more time with people who annoy and frustrate me.

Let’s grow a bunch of trees til they’re 7 or 8 feet tall, then chop them down and put them in our houses, decorate them and watch while they slowly die. Whose dumb idea was that?

5. Those frigging Christmassongs

Name one Christmas song you would willingly listen to any other time of year. I rest my case.

Admit it. In your heart of hearts you don’t like Christmas. So why not reject it? Why not tell your friends and family this year you’re going to stay home and eat a giant pizza while binge watching The X-Files? Social norms are just things that a lot of people decide to do. No one is making us celebrate this holiday. If enough of us decide not to celebrate it, maybe it will go away.

So join us. This year, stay home and read a good book in bed and then sleep till noon on the 26th. You have nothing to lose but a bunch of stress, anxiety, and a giant credit card bill.

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